Recently, I read an article on this topic and many questions arose.
In sixteen years of work as a coach, I have closely observed many difficult situations between young people and adults. Tense relationships, heavy expectations, silences full of meaning.
But if I must be honest, there is something that over the years has struck me more than anything else:
I have often seen more willingness to change in young people than in adults.
Young people, even when going through complex moments, maintain a surprising ability to get back in the game. They can make mistakes, get angry, close themselves off… but often they remain open to the possibility of change.
Adults, on the other hand, sometimes have a harder time. Not out of ill will, but because convictions, expectations, and fears over time become very rigid structures.
And within these reflections, over the years, a more personal question also emerged.
I have asked myself many times how many inner wounds I was trying to heal in my growth journey as a coach and as a man.
Because those who educate, who guide, who accompany others, rarely do so from a completely neutral place. Everyone carries their own story. Their own shortcomings. Their own unresolved questions.
Over time, I understood something important.
The answer to this question is not truly useful if it remains only a personal search. It becomes useful only when it transforms into something shareable.
When our story stops being only ours and becomes a tool to help others on their path.
It is from here that a reflection on the relationship between parents and children is born.
The Invisible Boundary
A child is not born to complete the unfulfilled dreams of their parents.
A child is not the place to repair what did not work in adult life.
Yet, often without realizing it, adults cross a very subtle boundary. An invisible boundary: the one that separates accompaniment from projection.
When this boundary becomes blurred, the expectations of adults slowly begin to occupy the inner space of young people.
And then commitment changes its nature.
It no longer arises from curiosity. It no longer arises from desire.
It becomes a response.
One studies to satisfy someone. One works to prove something. One makes plans to maintain balance in the relationship with the adult.
The risk is silent but profound: personal desire stops having a voice.
This does not mean it disappears.
Desire rarely disappears. More often it remains suspended, waiting for a space where it can be recognized.
And this is precisely the space that adolescence should offer.
Adolescence as a Time of Search
Adolescence is not just a biological or school phase. It is the time of search.
The time when a young person can question their relationship with the world. Try different paths. Encounter limits. Discover possibilities.
In this phase something fundamental is born: inner orientation.
But when pressure takes the place of motivation, this space shrinks.
The future stops being a territory to explore and becomes a trajectory already traced.
No longer a discovery, but a path to respect.
Thus, the young person's psychological energy is no longer organized around the most important question:
Who do I want to become?
Instead, it is organized around another question, much heavier:
Am I meeting the expectations of others?
The Delicate Role of the Adult
This is where the role of the adult becomes extremely delicate.
Being a guide does not mean controlling every direction. Accompanying does not mean deciding in place of the other.
The true educational task is more subtle.
Protecting the boundary between accompanying and projecting.
Remaining present without occupying the other's space. Offering guidance without imposing destinations.
Because an adolescent's desire cannot be programmed from the outside.
Authentic motivation is born only when a person encounters something they truly feel is their own.
Error, Awareness, and Growth
There is, however, another fundamental point.
Being a parent is not a role that comes with instructions.
There is no perfect manual for raising a child.
Making mistakes is inevitable. It is human. It is part of the relationship.
But the point is not judgment.
It is not about establishing who made mistakes or who did everything the right way.
The real question is different:
How are we doing things?
What expectations are we bringing into the relationship with our children? Where do they come from? What are we really asking of them?
These questions are not meant to blame.
They serve to open a space of awareness.
Because if it is true that there are no perfect instructions for being parents, it is also true that adults always have the possibility to grow.
To understand. To evolve. To change.
Education is not only about the development of children.
It also concerns the transformation of adults.
And perhaps, in the end, the most important question is this:
Do we only want to educate our children… or are we willing to grow together with them?Phrases to Remember
• A child is not the place where parents repair their unfulfilled dreams.
• I have often seen more willingness to change in young people than in adults.
• Those who educate never start from zero: they always carry their own story and their own wounds.
• The most silent risk is this: when the desire of young people stops having a voice.
• Adolescence is not just a phase of growth. It is the time of search.
• When pressure takes the place of motivation, the future stops being a discovery.
• Educating means guarding the boundary between accompanying and projecting.
• Authentic motivation is born only when a person encounters something they truly feel is their own.
• There is no perfect manual for being parents, but there is always the possibility to grow.
• The education of children also passes through the transformation of adults.
• The real question is not who made mistakes, but: how are we doing things?
• Do we only want to educate our children… or are we willing to grow together with them?
Perhaps the most difficult task of educating is not changing our children, but having the courage to continue transforming ourselves as they grow beside us.
Un hijo no es el lugar donde reparar lo que en la vida adulta no funcionó.
El riesgo es silencioso pero profundo: el deseo personal deja de tener voz.
La adolescencia como tiempo de búsqueda
La adolescencia no es solo una fase biológica o escolar. Es el tiempo de la búsqueda.
En esta fase nace algo fundamental: la orientación interior.
Ya no es un descubrimiento, sino un camino que respetar.
¿Quién quiero llegar a ser?
¿Estoy respondiendo a las expectativas de los demás?
Proteger el límite entre acompañar y proyectar.
La motivación auténtica nace solo cuando una persona encuentra algo que siente realmente propio.
El error, la conciencia y el crecimiento
No existe un manual perfecto para criar a un hijo.
¿Cómo estamos haciendo las cosas?
Porque si es cierto que no existen instrucciones perfectas para ser padres, también es cierto que los adultos siempre tienen la posibilidad de crecer.
También se refiere a la transformación de los adultos.
¿Queremos solo educar a nuestros hijos… o estamos dispuestos a crecer junto con ellos?
Tal vez la tarea más difícil de educar no sea cambiar a nuestros hijos, sino tener el coraje de continuar transformándonos a nosotros mismos mientras crecen junto a nosotros.